i am not

I’ve spent the last few months trying to prove to you not that you are wrong for the sake of just pointing out that you are wrong, but to show you that I am not who you have tried to make me out to be.

I believe in love, marriage, romance. I’ve pictured our wedding day for a long time. It is something that you dream of growing up but you don’t know who will be in that picture with you. But there came a time that I finally knew. YOU were the person that I had been searching for for all of these years. You were the one that I wanted to continue to build a life with. YOU were the one that I had been working so hard to provide for, even at the sacrifice of some of our time together as I built my business.

There were two times that I considered proposing to you but both of those times (not talking about DC’17), I didn’t want to steal anyone’s thunder. When your sister got married, I was heavily considering proposing to you that holiday weekend, as I had also considered it when we went to my brother’s wedding. It was shortly before then that I decided that it was something I wanted to do. I wanted to ask you to marry me and then I wanted to marry you and share our lives with each other.

Since you’ve left, I have not dated. I have not touched, kissed, or even talked to another girl. I have had no one in my bed, I have not even as much as TEXTED another girl in any way that would be romantic, flirty, sexual, or otherwise. I am not interested in anyone else. I love you and only you. Contemplating being with anyone else, even if for just a night or something like that constitutes betrayal to me, even if we are not together. It would be a betrayal of my feelings for you.

Do you remember when we had difficulty back in January 2016? We “broke up” for a few days. Do you remember when we reconciled and I told you that I was not interested in doing anything with anyone else in that time period? You always thought I was someone who enjoyed being single, that liked attention from other girls. I believe that you think I would be relieved to be single so that I can do whatever the hell I want with whomever I feel like. I am not that kind of person. Maybe in the distant past but certainly not now. I grew so so much with you. I found worlds within worlds of happiness, contentment, and satisfaction. I found comfort, safety, and security, things that I had been searching for. I could rely on you, even when we bickered. Do you remember a few weeks before you left, I told you that I can’t rely on my mother? This was also me implicitly telling you that I value you because I can rely on you.

Our relationship is not a Kelly Clarkson song. Nothing was pretend and you always heard me say that I just wanted to be with you. I told you that I was all in so many times and I meant it every single fucking time.

I love you.

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