i am not

I've spent the last few months trying to prove to you not that you are wrong for the sake of just pointing out that you are wrong, but to show you that I am not who you have tried to make me out to be. I believe in love, marriage, romance. I've pictured our wedding... Continue Reading →

what it was like to try again pt. 2

There were two bedrooms in the apartment that I lived in at the time. Technically, one wasn't a bedroom, as it was a loft overlooking the first floor but it essentially functioned as a bedroom, where I generally slept. On the first floor, there was a full-fledged bedroom that was generally used as a spare... Continue Reading →

it beckons

You've announced your presence more times than I can count, calling my name and trying to lull me into the deepest sleep. When the pain is roaring, when everything I love and care about comes crashing down, when I feel so so so fucking alone, your voice has echoed, your thoughts have found their way... Continue Reading →

actualization

Being with you made me happy. Content. For the first time in my life. You always thought I was not totally invested in the relationship. You were wrong. You thought I was "keeping my options open". Another place that you were wrong. I only loved you and wasn't interested in anyone else. The rare occasion... Continue Reading →

something i’ve never experienced

One thing that I've heard others reference throughout my life was describing the feeling of hoping that whatever bad experience that they had had would just be a nightmare that they would eventually wake from. I had never been able to relate to that type of feeling, I've always thought of myself (mostly) well-grounded in... Continue Reading →

starfish

The bed is a massive, gray sea, no longer with any life in it. I reach out, flayed out, whispering your name. You're not there. I speak to you every night, my voice echoes across the gray ocean, arriving nowhere. I've moved to your side since you've left. I dreamed that I was alone in... Continue Reading →

a specific type of pain

Nothing in the world prepares you for the plummet and crash. Nothing in existence has the capacity of total psychic annihilation quite like this. Nothing is comparable. Nothing would be preferable. Everything is burning. Everything is decimated. Everything feels empty and meaningless. Everything becomes nothing. Hurting the one that you love is an unrivaled feeling,... Continue Reading →

what it was like to try again

Mundane. Ordinary. Wednesday. Like any other Wednesday, I went to work and did my job. Previous days were spent preparing for something, in an almost ritualistic kind of way. The necessary ingredients had been gathered, with some frustration of course. "Nah man, pills aren't around like they used to". A friend who I had hit... Continue Reading →

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